IF YOU ALWAYS DO WHAT YOU ALWAYS DID, YOU WILL ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU ALWAYS GOT.
The first task before you go out looking for your ultimate mate is to identify your past patterns and relationships.
Has everyone you fell in love with started in a meeting in a bar? And has every such resulting relationship ended in disaster?
Then it is obvious the only person to look for in a bar is someone you'll fall madly in love with for at least 2 hours, and spend months if not years regretting it.
Change you hunting grounds.
The core thing to consider is a good relationship requires something in common beyond sex.
Thus, if you like to sail, look for your companion in a sailing club or at the dock.
If you like drama, join the local amateur theater company even if you have to be the ticket-taker. You'll meet a lot of people interests in drama.
If you really like to collect junk...then see who of the opposite sex is at the junk yard looking for goodies like you are. This one is very important if you are a junk accumulator as this really pisses off the other person in your relationship unless they have their own junk pile.
You get the idea...if you're religious go to church...sing in the choir.
The second problem is to identify your problems.
Before you embark on a quest to find your perfect mate, it is generally accepted as useful to be honest with yourself about your faults, quirks, etc.
If you have one or more failed relationships in the past, you know what your faults and problems are...you've been reminded of them many times by your former partner.
Now, it is also generally accept therapeutic analysis that whatever one says about someone else is also true about them. So what. That relationship is over.
However, it is not a bad idea to make a list of what things your former partner found annoying, irritating, or downright rage-inducing about you.
These may actually be true.
Now, there are some things on such a list if they turn up that you really need to address and correct. If you drink too much, hit other people, act abusively, are addicted to something... you need therapy right now!
But, there's a lot of stuff on the annoyance list which are just you. And you aren't likely to modify that annoying behavior just because you're in love (actually most people hide their annoying behavior during the first few weeks of infatuation then blow out and revert to their normal selves).
In initial encounters with members of the opposite sex, or same sex as the case may be, folks tend to focus on what they have in common and not on the other sides of them that are potential relationship problems.
Go to any internet dating site, and there's very little emphasis on dislikes and issues.
Most relationships start off focused on the positive connections, then the rest of the relationship is spent hassling over the non-positive elements until the point is reached where the couple tolerates (usually grudgingly) the negatives, or the negatives finally outweigh the positives and breakup occurs.
An incredible amount of time and energy is spent grappling with relational negativities.
The smart thing to do is get them out on the table early on in a blossoming relationship.
But, this starts with being honest with yourself about what has been problematic in your behavior in other relationships.
I think it is a good idea to exchange negativities very early on (though after the first night in bed) and see how that looks. Negotiate what is or is not going to be a deal-breaker right up front.
The third step is adopt the concept that Honesty is the Best Policy.
Now, this is a very radical concept in interpersonal relationships.
One's first thought is "if I answer the question with the truth, he/she is going to blow up and the relationship will end."
This is actually true in some cases. But better right now than a few years later because it is WORSE to lie.
The problem with not telling the truth is there is no way the other person is not going to find out your truth...especially in the internet age.
If you lie, and then get caught, you now have a double-whammy of a problem---the reaction to whatever the truth really was, and the reaction to being lied to.
The reaction to being lied to is the deal killer here.
Very few people I have ever known trust people who have been caught lying to them.
Unless you enjoy being lied to, then don't do it to someone else.
Take your medicine right up front. And, you might actually be surprised. The other person might now immediately throw you out of the moving car when the truth is revealed. They might actually trust and respect you even more.
And remember, what's good for the goose is good for the gander.
Accept the truth when you hear it. And don't be the one blowing up and rejecting the other person when truth is shared. If you do that, you create a very strong incentive for the other person to choose the lie the next time there is a choice...if there even is a next time.
Remember, by the time each of us reaches a certain age, we've each done a lot of stupid and foolish things we regret and would just as like to forget.
Trying to hide those truths evades the real issue--are you going to do that same stupid and foolish thing again?
Lying suggests you probably will.
The purpose of having done stupid and foolish things is to learn from them...learn the consequences so you don't repeat the past over and over and get what you always got.
The fourth task is to look at the criteria you are applying to select a person to relate to.
The first criteria is generally human and that is pretty non-negotiable. However, according to many studies, more and more singles are concluding dogs, cats, horses, reptiles, and other critters are better companions than humans.
This is not hard to understand, because just about any other living creature is more honest and affectionate than most people. And I know folks who have really neat conversations with their cats, dogs or horses.
However, assuming you goal is a relationship with another human, lots of other criteria pop up.
Political interests.
Food and entertainment preferences.
Body type.
Pierced or not pierced, tattooed or not tattooed.
Religious or not. Specific types of religious.
Scientists at the General Delivery University have been studying criteria and preferences in relationship formation for several weeks and have concluded there needs to be a weighting system applied.
How important is one preference over another. You might not really care if the partner is of a different religion if he/she is really good in the sack. Then again, a die-hard liberal is going to have serious issues with a right-wing Christian Republican conservative no matter how good the sex is.
So, after making your list of relational preferences, give them a ranking in terms of importance.
The next step in this process is to consider a concept found in relational therapy books. People sort of look for things in other people that are deficient in themselves.
For example, you are a person who wants to go traveling. But actually you don't. So you look for a partner who likes to travel.
At this point, it is a really good idea to take an over-night trip with the object of your interests and see if your relationship survives to the next morning.
The problem with deficiency surrogacy is that it never cures your deficiency unless you change yourself. You can't borrow the solution to your lack.
Thus, going back to your issues and problems, don't make solving those issues and problems criteria for someone else to fulfill in a relationship. Unless you are extremely rich and old, the other person is not likely to indulge in making up for your deficiencies and being servile to your defects.
The fifth task involves how many of your criteria do you want to match on?
In delving into this function, I came up with 74 specific criteria I would like to have in a relationship.
Mathematically, finding someone that fills all 74 of one's criteria is a ten to the minus 74th probability of happening. In context, 10 to the minus tenth probability is getting hit by a meteor. So you can see you've got a better chance to win a lottery than find your perfect match.
The issue is then how many of your criteria are you willing to give up to have a relationship?
Generally, if the goal of "relationship" is to get naked with the other person, most of your 37 criteria will be negotiable.
However, the more intimate and committed the relationship you seek, the more criteria need to be fulfilled.
A major problem today in relationships is people, recognizing they are not going to be able to concentrate every criteria they want in one other person, tend to divide them up and get good conversation from person A, criteria 2-3-4-6 from person B, and so on.
If this is where you are headed, the criteria of not being jealous is extremely important for all concerned for obvious reasons.
The more successful people I've encountered with really cool relationships, tended to work backwards from their 37 criteria, only giving up a few less priority goals to get the important ones.
If relating to your soul mate requires you giving up watching football every Sunday afternoon with the guys, you'd be really stupid to choose the NFL over a life partner.
The sixth dimension is the crazy test.
A lot of people venture out into the newly singles world looking for their soul mate, only to wake up the next morning with an escaped mental patient.
While it is probably good to develop a serious level of tolerance for minor annoyances, few can live happy with a wacko.
While the following may seem a little off-putting to do at a very early stage in a new relationship, if you've ended up with an escaped mental patient in your bed, this step is strongly advised.
The first task before you go out looking for your ultimate mate is to identify your past patterns and relationships.
Has everyone you fell in love with started in a meeting in a bar? And has every such resulting relationship ended in disaster?
Then it is obvious the only person to look for in a bar is someone you'll fall madly in love with for at least 2 hours, and spend months if not years regretting it.
Change you hunting grounds.
The core thing to consider is a good relationship requires something in common beyond sex.
Thus, if you like to sail, look for your companion in a sailing club or at the dock.
If you like drama, join the local amateur theater company even if you have to be the ticket-taker. You'll meet a lot of people interests in drama.
If you really like to collect junk...then see who of the opposite sex is at the junk yard looking for goodies like you are. This one is very important if you are a junk accumulator as this really pisses off the other person in your relationship unless they have their own junk pile.
You get the idea...if you're religious go to church...sing in the choir.
The second problem is to identify your problems.
Before you embark on a quest to find your perfect mate, it is generally accepted as useful to be honest with yourself about your faults, quirks, etc.
If you have one or more failed relationships in the past, you know what your faults and problems are...you've been reminded of them many times by your former partner.
Now, it is also generally accept therapeutic analysis that whatever one says about someone else is also true about them. So what. That relationship is over.
However, it is not a bad idea to make a list of what things your former partner found annoying, irritating, or downright rage-inducing about you.
These may actually be true.
Now, there are some things on such a list if they turn up that you really need to address and correct. If you drink too much, hit other people, act abusively, are addicted to something... you need therapy right now!
But, there's a lot of stuff on the annoyance list which are just you. And you aren't likely to modify that annoying behavior just because you're in love (actually most people hide their annoying behavior during the first few weeks of infatuation then blow out and revert to their normal selves).
In initial encounters with members of the opposite sex, or same sex as the case may be, folks tend to focus on what they have in common and not on the other sides of them that are potential relationship problems.
Go to any internet dating site, and there's very little emphasis on dislikes and issues.
Most relationships start off focused on the positive connections, then the rest of the relationship is spent hassling over the non-positive elements until the point is reached where the couple tolerates (usually grudgingly) the negatives, or the negatives finally outweigh the positives and breakup occurs.
An incredible amount of time and energy is spent grappling with relational negativities.
The smart thing to do is get them out on the table early on in a blossoming relationship.
But, this starts with being honest with yourself about what has been problematic in your behavior in other relationships.
I think it is a good idea to exchange negativities very early on (though after the first night in bed) and see how that looks. Negotiate what is or is not going to be a deal-breaker right up front.
The third step is adopt the concept that Honesty is the Best Policy.
Now, this is a very radical concept in interpersonal relationships.
One's first thought is "if I answer the question with the truth, he/she is going to blow up and the relationship will end."
This is actually true in some cases. But better right now than a few years later because it is WORSE to lie.
The problem with not telling the truth is there is no way the other person is not going to find out your truth...especially in the internet age.
If you lie, and then get caught, you now have a double-whammy of a problem---the reaction to whatever the truth really was, and the reaction to being lied to.
The reaction to being lied to is the deal killer here.
Very few people I have ever known trust people who have been caught lying to them.
Unless you enjoy being lied to, then don't do it to someone else.
Take your medicine right up front. And, you might actually be surprised. The other person might now immediately throw you out of the moving car when the truth is revealed. They might actually trust and respect you even more.
And remember, what's good for the goose is good for the gander.
Accept the truth when you hear it. And don't be the one blowing up and rejecting the other person when truth is shared. If you do that, you create a very strong incentive for the other person to choose the lie the next time there is a choice...if there even is a next time.
Remember, by the time each of us reaches a certain age, we've each done a lot of stupid and foolish things we regret and would just as like to forget.
Trying to hide those truths evades the real issue--are you going to do that same stupid and foolish thing again?
Lying suggests you probably will.
The purpose of having done stupid and foolish things is to learn from them...learn the consequences so you don't repeat the past over and over and get what you always got.
The fourth task is to look at the criteria you are applying to select a person to relate to.
The first criteria is generally human and that is pretty non-negotiable. However, according to many studies, more and more singles are concluding dogs, cats, horses, reptiles, and other critters are better companions than humans.
This is not hard to understand, because just about any other living creature is more honest and affectionate than most people. And I know folks who have really neat conversations with their cats, dogs or horses.
However, assuming you goal is a relationship with another human, lots of other criteria pop up.
Political interests.
Food and entertainment preferences.
Body type.
Pierced or not pierced, tattooed or not tattooed.
Religious or not. Specific types of religious.
Scientists at the General Delivery University have been studying criteria and preferences in relationship formation for several weeks and have concluded there needs to be a weighting system applied.
How important is one preference over another. You might not really care if the partner is of a different religion if he/she is really good in the sack. Then again, a die-hard liberal is going to have serious issues with a right-wing Christian Republican conservative no matter how good the sex is.
So, after making your list of relational preferences, give them a ranking in terms of importance.
The next step in this process is to consider a concept found in relational therapy books. People sort of look for things in other people that are deficient in themselves.
For example, you are a person who wants to go traveling. But actually you don't. So you look for a partner who likes to travel.
At this point, it is a really good idea to take an over-night trip with the object of your interests and see if your relationship survives to the next morning.
The problem with deficiency surrogacy is that it never cures your deficiency unless you change yourself. You can't borrow the solution to your lack.
Thus, going back to your issues and problems, don't make solving those issues and problems criteria for someone else to fulfill in a relationship. Unless you are extremely rich and old, the other person is not likely to indulge in making up for your deficiencies and being servile to your defects.
The fifth task involves how many of your criteria do you want to match on?
In delving into this function, I came up with 74 specific criteria I would like to have in a relationship.
Mathematically, finding someone that fills all 74 of one's criteria is a ten to the minus 74th probability of happening. In context, 10 to the minus tenth probability is getting hit by a meteor. So you can see you've got a better chance to win a lottery than find your perfect match.
The issue is then how many of your criteria are you willing to give up to have a relationship?
Generally, if the goal of "relationship" is to get naked with the other person, most of your 37 criteria will be negotiable.
However, the more intimate and committed the relationship you seek, the more criteria need to be fulfilled.
A major problem today in relationships is people, recognizing they are not going to be able to concentrate every criteria they want in one other person, tend to divide them up and get good conversation from person A, criteria 2-3-4-6 from person B, and so on.
If this is where you are headed, the criteria of not being jealous is extremely important for all concerned for obvious reasons.
The more successful people I've encountered with really cool relationships, tended to work backwards from their 37 criteria, only giving up a few less priority goals to get the important ones.
If relating to your soul mate requires you giving up watching football every Sunday afternoon with the guys, you'd be really stupid to choose the NFL over a life partner.
The sixth dimension is the crazy test.
A lot of people venture out into the newly singles world looking for their soul mate, only to wake up the next morning with an escaped mental patient.
While it is probably good to develop a serious level of tolerance for minor annoyances, few can live happy with a wacko.
While the following may seem a little off-putting to do at a very early stage in a new relationship, if you've ended up with an escaped mental patient in your bed, this step is strongly advised.
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